Well well well . . . never a dull moment I guess you could say…
Here we are again being forced to evaluate how I fucked this one up!
As I stare off into the distance, my eyes unfocused and my vision slightly blured. I can’t find the motivation to even focus on an object of any kind. My thoughts rushing around in my head so fast I can’t even pin point what is happening in there. It is like millions of snippets out of different movies playing, slightly over lapping each other. . The noise is exhausting and there is no way to make it slow down or stop. . so many moments, memories, fears of my life all rushing in at once. My arms and legs feel nearly dethatched from my body as they go numb, come to think of it my whole soul feels removed from my body . . . the pulsating pain on the sides of my head becomes stronger with every heart beat like my heart is bleeding out in my brain. . . The natural hormones that are released under extreme stress have obviously started rushing through my body due to the classic fight flight mode I am feeling.. . . it is surreal in short bursts yet the constant, overwhelming flow of waves the size of the titanic filled with panic and desperation keep crashing down on me . . . How the fuck am I going to get us through this!! I know I will and know in my heart that life goes on and this is yet another lesson to be learnt but when the darkness is consuming your whole being with no exit, no direction, no options what the fuck is one to do!!!
With little to no abilities left to concentrate, the pen slowly draws a line down the middle of the page. . . . I write the words slowly Pros and Cons on either side and try to slow my thinking down to work out the options that lay before us. A giggle under my breathe escapes my body as this is the wrong kind of list I need to be making right now. . You need an option to write the pros and cons and options are not what I have right now lol. . So I lift my head and begin my stare once again.
Repeating the words over and over in my head and trying to say them loud enough to drown out all the other thoughts of panic, it is going to be OK, it is going to be OK, You can get through this, you can get through this, it is going to be OK. . . Funny part is that I nearly want to get angry at myself as I say them, my thoughts want to fight me back and remind me there is no clear path of action right now and you need to accept you are FUCKED! So so so so miserably fucked that you are about to have nothing but the clothes on your back and 2 children to feed somehow. . . So I repeat louder and louder until suddenly the sound of my weakened and desperate voice projects out in the open for those around me to hear, not even realising I had begun saying it out loud and not just in my head. . . those around me look oddly on and confused by my random outburst. . .
Constantly lost in thought, suddenly I was brought back to the present moment by the ever so gentle yet stimulating droplets of rain on my skin. My body is abruptly alerted to the surroundings, the intense and refreshing smell of rain, the fact the sun is still shinning as bright as it can but hidden behind the clounds I did even notice roll in. Then the birds in the distance churp and sing as they rejoice in the beauty of the rain as if it was god sent . . .. I hear laughter from a distant neighbour and then I hear the words louder than any other thought ‘YOU ARE A SURVIVER!’ the conversation goes on in my head
Me 1: I know I am but I am tired of constantly surving life, drama after fucking drama. . .
Me 2: Maybe that is your purpose of life is to just survive?
Me 1: I want more then the success of JUST surviving this life time!
Me 2: The fact you survive many things others can’t even fathom counts as an extraordinary life you know!
Me 1: There has to be more to life than just surviving seriously I do not need any more lessons of strength or integrity or proving I can do it on my own! I want to be successful at more common things like a career or buying a new car. . You know the normal things the average person handles. . . I am over rare conditions and mental illness, rebelling teenagers, fucked up relationships . . . Why can I not seem to succeed at normal life!
Me 2: life has challenges for everyone even the normal people too I guess.
Me 1: how do I change my life around? How do I find a way out of this mess??
Me 2: List the things you need to get done! But start small list and do one thing at a time, the flow of life usually will start to fall in place and direct you as it always does!
Me 1: I am a survivor and here I go taking one step at a time . . . ok maybe slowly shuffle forward and hope for the best!
It is amazing how slow the world feels like it is turning when in a crisis, it is as though someone has hit the pause button but time is flashing by rather quickly anticipating your next more seems like an enormous task and basic daily chores become nearly undoable or out of reach. I guess this is depression or stress attack to the max. . The pain is easing in my head and the thoughts of actions I need to take become the next tsunami of waves in my brain.
- BE GRATEFUL – start remembering to be grateful for what I still have, and remember the fact you are the luckiest person you have ever met
- Be loving to myself – to drag myself out of this stressed state I must and foremost kick start my aching heart with some love, this could be a shower with the music playing to help me go to my lucky place, or a walk on the beach to connect my love with nature, eating some healthy and yummy food made with love.
- Start to clean and clear my environment, this is clearing away the dustiness to my thoughts in a way plus it is always easier to feel nicer when your environment is feeling lovely
- Start to fix the things that are the priority of issues
- Start making a plan to move on with life and list the things we want to aim for. . .
So here we are again . . . it has been a long day however it has defiantly been more a successful day of survival than I could have even imagined at the start of it. . . taking one hour at a time as been my key survival technique the last few weeks and now hoping to start taking a day at a time soon or a list at a time lol
List away with love clean clear thoughts to find options and chose a new life path for my family and I!
Stay safe and remember –
Inspire yourself, hold on to hope for better things to come, Love life!