Here now in the moment
Lost and exhausted from expectations,
I don’t even know if you can call it expectations, as it’s more about my wants for a better life,
The yearning to be something in this life time,
More than a single mother of 2 children, who require more than the average child just to survive or prepare to survive eventually on their own (one may not ever be able to do this and it breaks my heart)
I expected more of myself or do!. . Well that is what I thought
The moon is rising ever so beautifully in a semi clear sky as the sunsets on the opposite side of my home
I still can’t help but feel lost and along on this journey
I have had and do have some magical friendships that really do keep me going in the hard times. But I never seem to have that one by my side which is the depressive conclusion of my life thus far. Epically I have tried don’t you worried and now probably to the point of nearly being ‘spoiled goods’ or ‘reached my expiration date’ for finding a suitable companion
Each day I wake with no real intentions or direction which nearly seems unhuman . . . How can I not feel completely and entirely lost if there is no direction or something to aim for. I rattle the usually mundane bullshit we are all taught to say to ourselves in moment of self-pity – Be greatly for what you have cause there is always someone worse off than you. This is a true statement, most negative contradiction to help yourself out of the slumps of a bad day or a bad month or a bad year or a bad life. .. Turning on a merry go-round the world spinning out of control the earth unstable under my feet as I attempt to free jump from the moving apparatus. I can’t help but to expect to fall on my ass time and time again. So many self-help books and words of wise online, thousands of others attempting to express themselves in the desperate plea to find others with commonality and connection. So I sit here wondering if this may even be read one day and spark something in you . . . hopefully as I put my fingers to the key pad and type my inner thoughts it will find a happy ending as all good stories and movies do. . . Struggling with how I could possibly even fathom a happy out come today, I write with an open mind and open yet sunken heart.
The sob story back ground
All good stories have a plot or back ground and this I have many – some that may have shaped who I am today, so instead of dwelling on the past I thought I would just recap in dot point to save time and to be perfectly honest to save the bullshit reliving of all the heart breaks time and time again.
- Father – unknown till the age of 27 – he was dead but left behind a few kids and a strange and scary wife (step mother)
- Father’s family complied of – child abuser, gamblers, alcoholics, mental disorders and so on
- Mother – alcoholic, single, mentally unstable, found her when I was 10 after she attempted another drug over dose and became a dike when I was 24 years old (no one was surprised). .
- Mothers family – more child abuse, gamblers, drugos, excessive mental disorders and so on
- Foster care
- Abundant issues
- Insignificant bedding and housing
- Motherly duties from age 12 to younger siblings (as mother could not get out to bed- also had to cut everything with butter knifes as sharp instruments had to be hidden for a few months here and there on her bad times)
- Child abuse/ rape several times over my childhood – different people – different locations
- Sickness –
- Basic reading and writing skills non existent
- Became a single mother at 18
- Cancer – 3 times (first time 16 years old in my uterus)
- Sex addict
- Homeless once or twice lol ok a few times both as a child and as a mother
- 2 domestic violence relationships – not much physical abuse but borderline kidnapping, controlled and manipulated relationships.
- 1 fucked up stalker and manipulated relationship
- Many sleazy nights and moments of regret
And everything else is pretty much either a sub heading under the above or not worth remembering right now.
I have never been one to dwell on the past or use it as an excuse as deep in my morals was this idealism that if you let other people’s actions in your past predict your future or change the way you see life then they win. I strived to be better each day, a better friend, a better mother, and basically a better human being each day but some days like this one make it seem so far out of reach. So distant that I am losing grip with the rest of the world as I spin around and around and around in this uncontrollable world that is life. The sunken deep pain of disappointment pressurises on my heart and chest, my stomach turns like I have forgotten to eat for days and rumbles with disguise at the lack of direction, the empty future that is foreseeable in this moment.
There is times in each day I do have so much spare time I can’t comprehend how to actually utilise it . . . . I can hear you already lol who the fuck do I think I am complaining about my spare time. . . So lets back it up, the last 25 years of my life has be dedicated to everyone in my environment, family, friends, other people’s children . . At one point I used to have to house and feed 13 children on my piss weak wage as a cake factory worker. . .
I used to lay there in my bed – on the floor – in my makeshift bedroom in the actual lounge room wishing with tears in my eyes that one day I will know and appreciated the feeling of being bored . . . My only advice be very careful what you wish for hahahahh cause here I am bored and going out of my mind!!
36 with no career, help or love ones in sight besides my children which is something new and extraordinary in itself but yet so distanced from where I expected my life to be at this moment.
Through the years I have always called upon paper and pen to get me through the rough times and it has also stimulated a new way of thinking… it’s as though by writing in down and expression of my inner thoughts caused a ripple effect to be able to segment, process and then find resolutions more easily . . . I never imagined I would become so reliant of such a way of expression. . . . I have never been able to spell of correctly, no ideas of politically suitable accumulative words in proper sentences would look like. This was great on pen and paper as it was like a coding system for me lol no one else could understand what I had written except myself so this made it even more fluent as my heart poured on to the pages with words of hate and love, desperation, hope and gratitude for the situation I may have been in at the time. . .. My heart does flutter with fear from time to time with something’s I am posting but figure if I don’t express myself honestly then what is the fucking point.
Most writers have studied the art of collective words and the right order in which to be precise with correct grammar and punctuation so all apologies if this is your expectation of this blog hahahahah cause it ain’t going to happen . .
Many writers have read a book a week since they started reading . . . yep struggled to read and just found it frustrating, trying to guess words as I read to then try and make sense of what I am reading . . . takes me days to complete a few pages while others have nearly finished the book in the same time frame. . . So now I have let that out of the bag this does not make me less intelligent and doesn’t lessen my major desire to become a writer. We all need direction! Known fact of human nature, without it we all will give into depression, following others into bad situations and bad habits – ask any experts. . So how do you find direction after losing the way? Some turn to God others turn to family to tell them what to do, others just fall to their knees and give into selling their souls to the devil. So I don’t believe in god as such nor do I want to fall victim to self-harm or bad habits to get a fix, I defiantly have no family or friendships to which I can holy and sourly rely on to direct me. .
So self-help leaders of this world is where I have found myself, but they all seem to have so much to say but not much for free and at the end of the day I want FREE help lol don’t we all . . . wish the world was for FREE and no one was poor nor rich and if you dreamed of going oversea you just do it, if you dreamed of a nice car you just went and got it, homes, love, life, careers, world peace right lol not sure it would work but sounds great on paper hahahah Keep smiley
So where from here
Yep lazy . . . pretty sure it is exactly what has been holding me back all these years, no lazy as in I never do anything just for myself . . . not as in I get everyone else to do stuff for me as in I always doing everything else for everyone else and being lazy about my basic human rights to have a life for myself. . . Now I have turned my life around and carried my lazy ass to a place where I have the opportunities to start doing stuff for myself. . . . . LOST!
As I laid in my hospital bed unsure if my eye sight would come back, I was consumed by this overwhelming guilt and apprehension that my poor children where at home without proper supervision. I worried they were worrying to much about me lol sounds crazy right. As a mother you don’t want to let your little ones know you are not quite as invincible as you made out all these years. My poor babies have seen me close to death a couple of times and many times when I clearly should have been in hospital receiving the urgent medical care I needed, yep I was home as there was no one to call to watch them, so we had to tough it out together time and time again.
Each day is an internal whirl wind of hope and anxiety mixed with disgust and desperation for something better than this. I don’t have it to bad I know this, we have a beautiful apartment on a gorgeous island. Mother Nature has defiantly gone all out in showing off what she can do. The air we breathe is clean and endearing, the scenery is breathe taking most the time but it’s just not the same to experience these beautiful things without someone by your side or someone to tell. . The pain of the loneliness has finally caught up after 36 years and left me destroyed and depleted as a fragile naked child in the wilderness of life. . . I have always coped find with being alone and somehow even found pride in knowing I have survived all by myself, the integrity and passion I held for so long about the fact I was SO SO SO SO independent and self-efficient was epic and probably overboard to the point of self-destructive in finding love.
I am floating in this gigantic and consuming ocean of singlehood with no land insight, like a lone survivor of a plane crash in the deep blue ocean . . . so alone and cold with no faith in sight . . . floating yet under the water my legs despairingly doggy paddle to keep my head above water, clinging and grasping at some of the debris from the crash. My grasp continually slipping as I fight to save my hope that I will find populated land before the darkness beneath revels the creatures that will soon feast on lonely soul for dinner. The fear and adrenalin rushing through my veins each time the thought flows through my body that THIS! RIGHT NOW! Is IT! Time is up you will have always been alone and forever after – end alone. . . I WANT FUCKING MORE from my life – but no clue how to even start changing my life around to be more worthwhile? If you have links or advise on how you changed your life around please share!! I’m surly not the only one who has ever felt this way?
To be continued . . .
Stay safe and remember –
Inspire yourself, hold on to hope for better things to come, Love life!